I'm not going to lie. The struggle is real. I struggle every morning just to get out of bed because I'm not feeling well. My stomach hurts almost daily and they still haven't figured that one out. I say meds, but I also blame them for everything. My body is exhausted from it. I do know that much.
At one point my doctor suggested that I go back on leave from work, but I didn't want to leave my babies and I wanted to prove that I can do this. I didn't want to give up and I wanted to be that fighter that everybody kept telling me that I was right after surgery.
I've felt down on myself about being out and missing so much work. My students and team deserve better than that. I feel like I haven't been a productive member of my team and I just feel like I'm not as good of a teacher (because I miss a lot.) This also causes me to have my pay cut because I don't have days to take....which causes money stress with medical bills. Just one more thing to add to my heaping plate.
My hair is growing back! That is a great thing to report! It's growing fast too. I will be so happy when I can look normal and feel pretty again.
My labs were also great last week too and my back pain is gone. I couldn't be doing better physically, I'm just struggling emotionally.
Most people get counseled and wait for a while before they get a transplant. They go to clinic and get to know their doctors and get questions answered before hand. I didn't get that. It was all so abrupt, I didn't have time to mentally prepare. Those that know me, know I like to mentally prepare for EVERYTHING ahead of time (even social gatherings). I don't even know if I have a gallbladder or not. (I just thought of it the other day) My parents and Adam say I do, but most things I've read say they take them out with the old liver. I'll be sure to ask that question at my next appointment. Haha
I am struggling with why I feel this way. Why, if I know I'm blessed and highly favored do I feel glum? I know I have post traumatic stress from an almost near death experience, but why can't I move past it? It's been 9 months.
Maybe it's the constant reminder of being sick to my stomach, or the constant reminder I can't wear my hair down, or the big scar on my stomach, the daily medical bills, or the 27 pills I take a day. I know, get over it right? I'm trying, I really am. I really felt like a rockstar the first 3 months after transplant and then I felt my recovery move backwards.
I don't want to be down all of the time. It's not the person I am. Those that knew me well before this know the real happy, go-lucky me. Please bear with me as I go through this stressful time.
Prayers still greatly appreciated! God is so good. He's gotten me through the hardest part, so I know he will get me through this emotional and stressful time.
One step at a time. I'll get there.... :)
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